Reality Check

 What the hell am I doing!? I am totally convinced that I am in love with Peter. Well, I think I do because:

1.       I think about him always

2.       I'm happy to see him

3.       I always anticipate him

4.       I was hoping he would text me

5.       Kinikilig ako

6.       I fantasize about him a lot

7.       I daydream about him

8.       I really like him a lot (physically and mentally)

9.       I always want to talk about him

I can’t remember the last time I felt this. He is very complicated and his situation is making him more attractive. I think he is definitely a catch and I am setting my eyes on him.  Hmm..how to picture this? Okay, he is like my dream big bike, I know I can but not quite. Its worst than my girlish crush on my other officemate. This one is really serious, well, I think I am serious. This is unlike any other. I am actually in-love.

What do I dream about?

• We are in bed together, not having sex, mind you, but just cuddling, talking about things, just anything. I like the way he see things: rational, as he believes. We will just lay there and talk, until we make love, and/ or fall asleep. I will sleep hugging him in his back. I think he likes to be hugged when he sleeps, the way he did when we slept at the motel, him laying in my arms.

•  So, assuming we were lovers (ehehe, to my satisfaction). We would have lunch together. He would go to my department or I would go to him. His co-faculty members would know me and so will he in my department. We could have lunch and we will be seen by others. I can even imagine his casualness as he will stroll in the department greeting me : Hi Ma'am, let's go lunch! ( with his tight t's, his tight pants and his shades in his huge forehead). I picture him in an awful way but my heart is actually leaping as I describe them to you (I am so messed up right now).  Anyway, I would happily comply as we go me being a passenger of his motorcycle. And maybe at times, he would drive my Alto.
• 
  
•   He would be with me during my walks helping me get the most out of my work-outs. He will definitely give me advices on exercises and moves so I could shape up faster. He would have awesome explanations to those moves and I will just drop my jaws. We would go biking together, I would walk, he would jog. We would have long walks in the oval and then stare as the sky as stars appears.  We would have intellectual talks with our different disciplines and would be amazed with each other.
• 
  
•    During weekends, we could just go riding into places with views. I know he would love that.n_n. Of course, I would invite him home and introduce him to everyone as my boyfriend.  My Inang and Tatang would be amazed by his CV. He can mesmerize my aunts and aunties. Ate Lorna would also see him and will start a gossip how my new boyfriend is with me. Mom and Dad would also be grateful because they know Peter is a catch. He will blend just fine . He will just amaze everyone because of his wits. On the other hand,  I would also be accepted in his home because I am "decent" and cute. I will be compared to Jelly, but all will be positive.n_n.  I don’t know about Jelly but I think I have traits and characteristics that are way beyond hers. They will just love me, period!

•  I will just be as close to his friends.n_n. He will be good to me despite temptations. I will be a good gf and will be always trusting. Most important of all, I will be matured.

• I will not be bored and he will not. As he said, perhaps we could connect in a certain way that is exclusive for the both of us.

•    After his work, we would spend weekends together. I hope in the same room. I will massage him as what he likes. And just cuddle him. Sex will not be the centerpiece of our relationship because what we share is more than physical.

Im happy with my stories. My make believe stories.

Cue music: NOT GOOD FOR ME by THE CORRS 

I'm in-What???

I woke up in a very good mood with him in my thoughts. It feels so good to be inspired for the day because of the anticipation of meeting him in the streets.

I was just getting ready for my class when I saw a familiar motorcycle and there he is, in his skin tight pants, tight man-blouse, mailman bag, and shades. OMG, my heart was leaping. I never found him appealing until this morning. I was really "kinikilig" with the sight of him. He passed by my classroom twice and twice also my heart leaped.

There: I am officially in-love with this creepy guy.

What to do, what to do?

Am I really serious with this? Am I imagining that somehow I could rescue him (the first question: does he need rescuing?). Okay okay, assuming he needs rescuing -_- (gosh, this is so immature).  It’s like a dream actually: a dream where I could command the plot of the story, where I could decide for twists and turns in favor of the heroine of course. It's like a perverted wish, not even a realistic goal. What would be the odds of him leaving his gf for me when he never even said that he liked me. Did he said that he like me? Well, he said he finds me attractive, sexually aggressive and somehow in- tune in his frequency which he retracted later. I have this urge to help him, to care for him, to set him free (just to be imprisoned in my love again? wahahaha).  Somehow, I want to take care of him for a change. He had done a lot of caring for others (I don’t know about his gf).

Amazingly, Jelly seemed to be very persistent in having him, letting him go and getting him back. I believed when he said that he is tired with such an immature relationship with her. Can I offer a different kind of love? I'm not sure but I'm hoping I could be more mature when I met the love of my life. Jelly’s persistence takes a lot of courage.Peter’s "women problem" is very prevalent. She had confirmations yet she is still there: what a woman. Salute to you sister!

Do I envy her because she has Peter? Yes and no.

Yes because she has a very intelligent, witty, smart, singer, "mabola", sweet and a good lover (in bed) boyfriend. His is stable because of his job. He knows how to manage his time. I specially commend his religious views (nd how he sees God. He know how to play his cards. He got priorities.

No because he is a womanizer. I don't know any woman who would not be suspicious when it comes to him. He said that if ever we'll be lovers, I would just cry because I would always think that he has other women. Well, in my mind, I will not be suspicious but I don’t know when the time comes (will it come?). I don’t want to put myself in a position that later on would bring me regrets. Perhaps she is in constant check on him which gives the strain in their relationship.

Which made me ask: what the hell did he tell Jelltyabout me? That I am really some gay who chases him? Hmm… I wonder…

But I have cards too.  Peter seemed to be very pleased with my blow jobs(yipee!). I bet Jelly cannot do that. He had squeezed, caressed and touched me. His hands were meant to touch Jelly only but it wandered in my territory.

That leads me into another question: how could you look, kiss and make love with a man whom you knew looked, kissed and made love with another woman other that you?

I know that feeling. I had imagined my ex in that position before and it hurts like hell. Is Jelly aware of Peter’s  fling? Does she really believe in anything/everything he says? How about me, I believed him. What you don't know won’t hurt you so, don't ask, don't tell.

The curse of being gullible

* sigh -_-

DEAR GOD, THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE INLOVE AGAIN.

continuation of the 2nd Incident

In continuation of the second incident, we just had sex after the discussion on how men tend to spoil their girlfriends and then be pissed about it after some time. Since it was the second time, I was more comfortable with him.  Being comfortable is showing what I am in bed.  He said I was so aggressive that he felt kinda "totoy" in my performance, that it seemed that he knew nothing when it comes to sex. It was a complement when he branded me as the most aggressive woman he had. Wow.

We spent some more time talking and him letting me cuddle. I asked for a kiss: it was a mistake. He said I am a terrible kisser so he will show me. So, he kissed me. I melted in his mouth. It was heaven and I can’t think of anything to describe it. Still, that kiss lingers in my memory and how I wish I could feel that again.

He was afraid I will fall for him. Too late for I have crossed something which reminded me of danger.  Before we parted, I asked for a hug and he squeezed me.

After two days, I saw him at his friend’s apartment adjacent to mine,  just being noisy. I was convinced that what we are doing is just a game for him, a convenience: he needed sex, I provided one. I am ready to end it all up when I received a text from an unknown number.

-hi

-hello, who's this?

-kaano-ano mo si sir Peter?

-wala, bakit, sino ka ba? Where did you get my number?

-asawa lang naman niya ito, ikaw sino ka? Ibinigay nga niya

-eh sa kaniya mo naman pala nakuha eh, you ask him who I am

(Sir Peter, your wife is texting. Why the hell did you give her my number!?)

-bakla ka ba?

-what do you think?

-oo, kasi the way you text

-if that's what he said

-sabi niya isa ka daw bakla na text ng text at nagpapansin sa kaniya na hind niya pinapansin

(forwarded> whoa sir Peter, nice one!)

-okay. Sometimes we just have to believe everything/anything they say.

-ah, ok. Nice meeting you.

-teka, one more thing, kasal ba kayo?

-bakit, ano ba ang sinabi niya sayo?

-parang mas gusto kong maniwala sayo

-sometimes, we just have to believe everything/anything they say.

-no, that's for you. Well…

-ibinalik ko lang text mo sakin.

-that's for you cause you’re his girl.

-I'm not his girl, I;m his wife. Siguro naman nakakaintindi ka.

(didn’t I just made it easier when you ask me kung sino ako at the start? Marunong ka naman sigurong umintindi)

-ah, ok. Sorry, I'm very very sorry. Atleast I know before I completely fall for him.

Ilan na anak niyo?

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Peter made it clear that he is not married to Jelly, his "ex". She just discovered my text messages and reacted. It was not clear how she got my number.- that's what he said, at least.

After the text message, I was too pissed off to stay in the apartment. I have to go, I have to do something so I geared up for a walk. On my way back home, I cross paths with him and he greeted me very warmly "Hi Ma'am!". I was surprised! He is a psycho, treating me like that, not even a sign of remorse or shame or anything.

Then I cried, I was so hurt because I think I want to fall in-love with him. I want to have a boyfriend and he is the one. In just a matter or days, I was falling madly for him. He is not that hard to love. He asked me why I am so affected. And I reasoned I was affected by his gf. I asked him to meet me, he won’t. Later that night, we texted and ended up being together in a fastfood restaurant. That was the first time I looked into his eyes… it was dark. He is dark and been trying to open him up, trying to look inside him, I just can’t. I need a little more time.

We didn’t end up in bed as I was expecting but I discovered that he didn’t like me.

The next night is the last night. We agreed to meet in local hotel because he wanted to experience my "wild side". I planned everything but wasn’t able to execute because of his whining on how "rough" I am with him. He was making fun of me and I was not in the mood. I was trying to kiss him but he won’t. I was hurt and just slept until our time was up. I was so pissed off.

I was in a good mood the next day until he texted me to just stop our relationship, well, the explicit part of it. He said he will only hurt my feelings. Blah blah blah. STOP

Then I think I saw him with another girl. I asked him if that's his gf, and he didn't reply. I told him if he can’t be nice to me, we can’t be friends. Finished.

We saw each other a couple of times and as if nothing happened.

I want to believe that somehow, I was special for him. That he cared for me even for a moment. But I don’t think so, he is far too smart and manipulative for me. I was a sitting duck. After everything, all I can do is to stand up and start all over again. I can’t spot potential dangers so I am dodging them. Since I can’t save myself from it, all I can do is always fall and just climb up and continue to walk. Trial and error.

When it comes to love, I think I never learn. 

2nd Incident

Since I was aware of his activities and the "contract" that somehow existed between us, I am expecting less frequent messaging between us. The assumptions are correct and I was missing him. It took a while for me to realize that I am not playing him.

We text from time to time and the casualness of our relationship is there. I thought this is not really serious so I should get a hold to myself. If I didn’t play right, I'll be in trouble. Then, a fortunate news came: he was a free man. Suddenly his girlfriend split-up with him. This was after I asked him if I am allowed to miss him. I'm giving you permission to miss me. LOL. I was sorry for him and I asked if he's devastated, sad and/or crying. He said no and asked if we could go out for a burger (I'm not expecting it to be only burgers). Cutting the crap out, we agreed to meet in a local motel. He has troubles with us seeing together entering those places so I went there first.

Casual "hello ma'am" and bottles of beer and baluts. I asked what happened.

He was so busy when his girlfriend asked for a visit. He reminded her of his obligations but the girl only threw tantrums and made "sumbat" on how he goes to visit his ex-girlfriends and that he may be flirting with another one (well I was there), so he stopped texting. He did not texted her for a while and one day, she just texted him "break na tayo", "ok".

I was furious of his behavior. If you love someone, you should at least make her see how busy you are. And she is like that for a reason (which he admitted) that she was spoiled in the first place. Guys would make their girlfriends believe that it’s okay to throw tantrums because they love them. In the past, he was always the one who courted her during fights. I was reminded of my own past. I paused.

You're just like my ex. You spoiled her like he spoiled me, making us believe that no matter what, you can stretch your patience. It's like letting a kid eat everything until they got obese then subjecting them into a strict diet and exercise. It's basically torture.

In his defense, he said that girls should understand that boyfriends have their limits. They were together for 5 years! C'mon, 5 years! How could you throw that easily? (I had 3 years and that is exactly my question).

Although they give the spoiling, girls should learn to transcend from the level of spoiling to keeping it real and mature. Isn't it basically wearing off of the glits and glamour. When novelty wears off, the real relationship begins. Counting the years is not relevant anymore. And it seems that he and my ex went there first before we, girls could follow. But, how could you go there? Is it an individual test?  Something you have to go through and resolve on your own?  As a couple, things should be done together right? I really don't know but I think that when you're in a relationship, it is crucial to assert your individuality. You will not be dependent but love him with what you have, not with what you are with him.

The Morning After

I can't believe that I did it. I may not say that he is not a complete stranger but definitely not a close one for me to let him in.  After the first sex, we were talking about trivial things about our lives. We sang together as we enumerate our favorite songs. Yup, he can sing and I love his voice, contrary to his conversational voice (which is kinda high-pitched for my type.  Anyway, we even talked about his girlfriend ( we were talking about her during sex) and how she is giving him hard times. He said that their relationship is in the rocks right now that he is just waiting for her to split up with her. It was a lame excuse (c'mon!). He said that he doesn’t have the right to be loved anymore because of what he did in the past yet he still doesn’t consider himself a womanizer.

Up for another round and we went to sleep. Around 4:00 am, we prepared to go home. We went out as casually as we went in. It was funny how calm I am. I'm comfortable. Oh, another thing before the "1st incident" ends: he said that he has been expecting quite a performance from me. I was shocked! Do I look like a slut? He said that I have this certain energy; appeal and he was not disappointed. I delivered one heck of a blow job!

It was a nice sleepy day but I feel very happy. It’s the fact that another person is holding you is good. Well maybe because it was very long since I had someone. I was so shy when we stumble unto each other at the copy center. I was a girl!

Meet Peter

Peter and I have been acquainted on my first semester of teaching. New faculty members should work hard to impress the bosses even to the point of performances so I hang out with other young faculty members in the college. There was this band led by well-known faculty-singers and God knows why I was included. I did the egg and the tambourine, yey! Though we spend time in practices, we don’t talk much. Only hi's, hello's and smiles were given when we pass each other.  Then one day, we saw each other and he remarked I was loosing weight. That's basically it.

Then he asked for my number.

I was not really enjoying texts between us but when you are single, you kinda want to just connect with other people: specially single guys. He was not my type but I enjoy texting on the idea that he is single, has work and an intelligent conversant.

It was Sunday and I was just finishing my ironing when I got a text message from him. It was the night before the first day of classes and I was planning to browse my notes after. It was just a normal text and I didn’t expect it would lead to me going out at 9:00pm to a nearby bar. I was thrilled because I have never been to a bar before but disappointed that he never even volunteered to fetch me in the apartment but instead,  he asked me to drive my Alto to the bar where he would meet me. By the way, he drives a motorcycle.

We agreed beforehand that we’ll each have one beer but the night deepens as our conversation shifted from common information about each other to personal and intimate aspects of our lives. Surprisingly, the encounter opened doors for me in wanting to know more about him. Suddenly I was very interested, very into him. Then it hit me, he had a girlfriend. It was awkward at first but later I resigned in accepting that this is just a friendly encounter, "incident" as he would refer to in the future.

Stories, expectations, dreams, frustrations, jokes, hopes, wants, laughs, stares, silence and a few discreet  touches were exchanged and we were ordering more beers. I ended up having two bottles and him three.

I don’t know the time and I don’t know if I gave him ideas on what I want after that because he said that I should stay in his cottage because its "late". It was an offer, a door to an ally way which at this moment am not sure I should have taken in the first place. 

We went to a hotel room, just being normal. Though I am aware of the temptation when a man and a woman is alone in a room, I have thoughts that I could just sleep the hours away before 4:00am, our scheduled check-out. So, I got ready for bed and the lights went out.

He crept up to me and made it very clear with what he wanted. I resisted. He tried to kiss me, I resisted again. Then, he massaged me, and the conversation continued. I have the impression that he is very good at luring women to let down their defenses, a typical womanizer but I was alright with it. He is my 'boytoy' anyway, the person whom I would contact whenever loneliness knocks.  Then, I just stopped resisting. My body aches for a man's touch and I would not be ashamed of admitting it.

Yes, we did it. I tried holding myself back because I was not really comfortable. But it was okay, casual sex. Clear casual sex.